Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Getting to know myself.

In life there are some other things more important than life.
But whom do you love?...(this is just a rhetorical question I asked myself when I saw that picture).
          Since yesterday I had an interesting time, wandering through my own thoughts and alternatives.I wish I could had a map of my life.To know how to get somewhere.Somebody told me once that, if you go nowhere, you will certainly get there.First, I didn't get it, but now I kind of live it.How?Simple.Such a common question like "what do you want to do in your life?" can put me in such a difficult position.I don't know.Actually, I'm not sure.I feel I don't know myself well enough to find out what would I be the best at.And, ok, if I choose to go on this road, will I be able to handle it?I don't wanna end up working hard in some old factory or something, without being happy with what I do.I started that course on programming, and now I'm thinking maybe it should've been better if I'd taken some design classes.Maybe.Sometimes I feel useless, especially when I look at kids my ages and I see their determination and how they know EXACTLY what they wanna do with their lives, and they seem so confident.I feel like I'm a ship wreck.I wish I could ask someone for a guidance.I wish I could have somebody as an example.I wish I would be more certain about my ways.I know from the Bible my ways are pleasant(Proverbs 3:17-18 -> my special verses), but which one is my way in life?.Actually, where am I suppose to go to?How am I gonna get somewhere when I don't even know where I'm heading?!.
     I'm going back in my past and try to find the moment when I started to be so uncertain.When did I stop to defend myself.What made me be a shy person that can't stand up for herself.Is it my fault?It doesn't really care.I just want to be a lil bit different, but if I'd be different, I wouldn't be me anymore.Though, what makes me so special?I haven't had an easy life.It's not getting easier, either.To be a strong person is a must in my life, or at least this is how I see things.Life is tough, you need to face it and laugh at it.Don't give up, and get stronger and stronger each day.Yeah, that's just a small piece of my thinking.Then, why am I so sensitive?How's that possible?Is that normal?Sometimes I feel I take steps backwards instead of going forward.Sometimes I feel everybody else just keep me behind, that I should be much more further than I am.Sometimes...just sometimes.But all the time I feel I can do so much more, and there are so many interesting things I haven't done yet.
        Sometimes, I fear that I will start to count my days instead of making my days count.

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