Monday, March 29, 2010

A word for me...

              "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice!
            Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near!
            Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell you requests to God.
            And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
            Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things."
Philippians 4:4-8

what I've learned in the last few days:
1. things that are left unspoken hurt the most;
2. when you have something to say, just say it: honesty is better than anything;
3. it can hurt, but any wound has its own bad-aid;
4. long weekends are not always good;
5. driving can help you clear up your mind;
6. when you ask God something, He answers;
7. cherish what you have;
8. when you're mad at someone, think not only about the things he/she is making you mad, remember those days when you were having a good time, too;
9. whatever happens, don't let your anger to control your mind.
         You know, when something about someone bothers you but you don't really get the time to sit and talk with the other person. In time, that little something will bring out some other little things and this is how you can even ruin a friendship or a relationship. No worries, what happened to me wasn't that tragic, but it could've been. But, this is not the important thing in this post. I'm trying to get the attention to how God still answers prayers, exactly when you need it, and He's always, always very clear in His answers. This week I kind of hit a whole in my not really easy road, and I kind of got stuck. Got stuck in angry, in selfishness, in things I've never said and was expecting the other to know about them. I forgot, for a while, nobody, not even the closest person to my heart, can "read" me if I don't want to. From that thoughts, it was needed just one single very small step to start thinking my freedom is gone, and I can't do anything I want to anymore. Anyway, the thing is, some pretty reasonable reasons made me really furious and a huge fight just started. It doesn't really matter how it ends, it just matters that Sunday evening I left home to go to church with a heavy heart, tears in my eyes, and the most honest prayer I've ever made: "God, please, speak to my heart tonight!" A desperate prayer, in the same time. *why do we pray so intense only when we are in or have some problem?* The whole entire service was especially for me. Nobody knew what was in my heart, but every single word, every single song was said and sang for my heart. After the first prayer such a peace came over me, and anyway I knew I still have to take care and finish the problems, I could think clear again. Like the clouds when the sun comes out. Suddenly, everything was shinny and I could've seen the things perfectly. I felt God standing there and holding me in His arms. I wanted that feeling never ever to leave me. The most special thing was at the end: those verses from Philippians 4:-8 were read. It was like God Himself was telling me those words. And I felt guilty. It says there to rejoice. I wasn't happy at all, my gentleness was miles away. That evening I was nothing but cruel and harsh, without even wanting to listen what the other had to say. Here comes another spank! "Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell you requests to God." I didn't go to God from the first time. I waited till the last minute, when things were pretty ugly. The preacher said yesterday that, in life, nobody will be exempt from hard times and different burdens. The only difference between those who have God in their hearts and those who don't, is that the ones who have God have a hope. They know God provides. They might not know why it has to be that way, but they know God holds 'em in His hands. Then, the beautiful part: "And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." The peace that I got. The peace that keeps you in place, that gives you the courage to take time, think about solutions and how to get to them. The peace that gives you the strength to smile instead of cry, to hope and fight for, instead of losing faith and complaining. 
               In the end, the last verse, "whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things." is an advice for what I should do next time when I feel the same. Actually, to make a lifestyle out if it. 


Saturday, March 27, 2010

An awesome blog!!!

    I have a new addiction on a blog I recently found. I spent last two days reading it, and I would do it again and again and again. I'm talking about Jill at Spoils of wear. I don't know her personally, but I can say I'd be more than thrilled to meet her. She's such a cutie, and the outfits she puts together are awesome. She proved me the americans have style and they can be fashionable. (At my work, everybody is a mess when it comes to clothing!!) I love reading her little stories, some really mushy and romantic, other full of cool tips and all of them full of warmth and happiness. She wears skirts and dresses so nicely, it makes me wish to wear 'em, too. That's a miracle, fellows, believe me when I say it. I used to hate skirts and dresses, they were my number one enemy. Ok, and heels too. I've worn my first pair of heels at 19.(that piece of information can be embarrassing) But no, seriously, check her blog out and you're gonna see for yourself! She's adorable, and her blog express her, at least this is what I think, as much I got to know her.
        Ok, I'm gonna stop here, cause it can get awkward talking that much about a person you never met but you feel like you spend quite a time with. :) 

Have a beautiful Sunday, enjoy the Spring! 

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Some thoughts about love

                The word "Love" unleashes in my mind a whole new world. Because a picture or a frame is just too simple. Love, is the song that makes us dance, the voice that make your knees shake, the eyes that tell you that you can do anything. Love is the feeling that makes people, humans. It's that moment when you are really mad on that person, but you can't hurt him in any way. Love is when you say "I'm sorry" even when it's not your fault, and you know it; but still, you say it from the bottom of your heart. Love does not mean you are weak. Love ennobles. Love can change someone in matters of minutes. Actually, in a way, love is the change that everybody needs. Love, this sweet 4 letters word, is more than you can ever write down on a paper. You can read years and years about it, but till you feel it, you won't know anything about its power, its meaning in life. Love, is the reason for the death of brave men, and the quiet tears that ran down on girls' chicks. Love didn't begin yesterday, and won't find its end tomorrow. Love is all the sweet moments. Plus the hard ones. The ones when you feared the most, when you thought you lost it all, the ones you knew you had it all. Everything is about loveLove is not just a movie with happy end. Love is self-renunciation. To think of the other before you think of yourself. Despite all they say, love is freedom. And when you get married you don't end "living" your life. The contrary, it's better to have somebody to share everything with. To feel you belong to somebody. To know that no matter will happen, at the end of the day, you have a loving heart and 2 arms to receive you. And, no matter how clumsy you are, to be accepted. To know that you will always have somebody to share your tears and multiply your joy. Someone to adventure on unknown ways, and someone to laugh with. Someone to be scared for, someone to understand you.
            Love, is not just a feeling. Love, is my life. I live to love. I love to live.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


         I had an interesting day today. Actually, it turned out to be awesome. No, I didn't talk to Eddie, even though I would've loved it. Two major things happened: first, at work I said my point of view and the time went by pretty quick, second I talked to maDa. The last one is the most important, but I put 'em chronologically. 
         People nowadays just amaze me. And not in a good way. A 50 years old just told me today that before he marries a girl it's normal to "try" her. "Look, look, like with a car: you don't buy it before you test it." I was like: "Excuse me?!?" ... Man, these people just got no clue what a soul is?. Since when, a human being is compared with a car? Lord, have mercy! After I told him what I think about marriage and about whom should I get married, he looked at me like I was a freak. He said: "And what are you doing in America?" I wanted so bad to tell him: "That's what I'm wondering, too!". I think people need to hear what a friendship is, and what a relationship is. I'm seriously thinking to post some thoughts about them both.
           In fact, I'm gonna tell you right now how special maDa can be for me. We've talked today. It was awesome. Not really the subject, but the feeling, how we talked, and everything, I miss her so much, I didn't even realized it till I talked to her. How good is to have a bff even at this distance. Yeah, it kills me, but still.. I'd like to be with her now, have a sleepover, sing on the carpet, watch a movie, talk nonsense, shake all the stress out for a while and enjoy some time together. I hope this will happen soon. 
I miss you, minunea mea! 

Monday, March 15, 2010

Friendship is rare ...

       You've always been there for me, and you know it. Why do you apologize, then?!.. Friendship is rare, remember? And friendship, sometimes, means to leave each other on our own so we can learn the lesson better. Yeah, the help would be perfect, but sometimes perfection is too much. Like at one moment you need to let the toddler to make steps by himself, it's exactly the same thing here. I know you're by my side, and that's more than enough at times. Thank you for your friendship. (hugs)
      Another thing is, don't worry so much about me. Ok, I know, this would be impossible, but try not to. Things sort out. We sort 'em out. Yeah, I was upset on Saturday, and I wrote it here not for someone to feel guilty. I wrote it so I can take it out of my heart. The most important person in my life thought me to say what's in my mind and on my heart. The fear of "what's he/she gonna say" should be banned between friends, right? We all should know that every thing we say, do, or way we act is because we care about the other more than we do for ourselves.
         Friendship can be sometimes not understandable, but hey, that's the beauty of it, isn't it?

P.S. : I am still waiting for that mail. I hope tomorrow I'll get the time to send you one, too.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Letter for you.

              Your silence is killing me. Yes, it's slowly, painfully taking my life out of me. I don't know how will it be this time, but I know I won't give up. You know me, I need to talk. To talk to you. And to listen to you, too. I need to hear your voice, and to hear what do you have to say. And why in the world, when I tell you about serious problems you have nothing to say? Just say something, for God's sake. Don't let me stay there waiting for the sound of your lips. I need you like the air I breathe. It hurts when you say you had a bad mood all day long, but you don't say any details. 
        So, what happened? I feel between us is more than just the Ocean and some countries. I feel a gap is forming between our hearts. Maybe it's not, but help me sort things out. You were the one who thought me to speak my mind. To let my heart speak, and not think twice before I say something. Now, why do I have the feeling that you talk, but you're not saying anything? Where are those days when we used to really laugh? Where are the good jokes? Why on Fridays I'm the happiest at work, and not because I get my paycheck, but because I know I get to talk to you, and in the end, why I am quite sad? Do I ask for too much? Are you tired of this? Why am I sitting here, right now, writing all these when this shouldn't be a problem anymore? All these things are just in my head? I don't know, but I have the feeling that the next step will throw me off the edge. I have enough things in my life I feel uncertain of, please, don't make my life more impossible than it is and say I just watched too many movies, and all I write now it's just my abundant imagination. 
          I know others will say 'stop being a drama queen', but I don't care. You're the only one that can calm me.You have no idea how much you influence my life, please stop playing with it. I know you don't realize it, that's why I'm not mad at you. I just need to talk to you. Talk. I miss that. Spend some special time together. We grew, we both have responsibilities, we are stressed, we are tired. I understand it. How will we be able to go further if we don't know how to let behind anything that is this world related and enjoy our time together? How much we cherish that slightly little bit of time we have every week? 
             I love you. You love me. I know it. Let's just be how we used to be. I promise I will do my best. I want you to do the same thing.
I love you forever and ever, baby.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


             I love this picture. Pretty and smart. Makes me feel adorable. And cute. And smart. :)
            In case you're wondering, no, nothing happened to me... just life, you know. I came to a point when I have to say it out loud, actually, admit it. My life is pretty much backwards. And not really in a good way. There are certain times in life when you're supposed to learn certain things and lessons. You can't write a sentence before you know all the letters, right? You can't skip math class and know how to pass the finals. They are talking about school of life, and they are not wrong.
             First, I want to make it clear, I don't blame anybody, even though it would be so easy to point to others. Let's say, it just had to be like that. Sometimes, you don't have to understand everything, and if you try too hard, you'll fail (which hurts more than not knowing something). Back to my backwards life. Ok, not my whole life is backwards and no, I didn't start walking backwards, or whatever. I say that because, now, when it's time for every kid to leave their parents' house, I moved in with mine. Not so unusual, you say. Wait. That's the present. For 6 years, I've been living without my parents. Yeah, it is upside down the whole thing, huh? Well, believe me, it's weird not to have that freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want to. More than weird. It can get really frustrating, and for a "rebel" child like me, could be the worst thing to getting used to. I mean, come on, when I was 15-16 nobody asked me why, when, where, with whom did I spend my day, or why do I wanna have a sleepover, nobody told me I didn't dressed appropriate and so on. Why can't my parents understand I am (almost) 21? What should I do so they'd stop treating me like I was 13? You can think "oh, big deal, she lived 6 years without her parents and now's complaining". Actually, I'm not. It's just hard to understand how is suppose to be normal. I feel the lack of my parents in those years, especially when it comes to asking me questions or telling me what I can do and I can not do. I grew up being used to take care of myself, to being responsible for my decisions, thoughts. I grew up knowing the dangers out there. Things that usually you learn 'em better when you leave for college. So now I'm here, with my mom and dad, and they are over protective and they feel the need to help me out with everything and anything. Sometimes it comes in handy, but other times, I just feel I'm not capable of anything, anymore. Sometimes, my trust in myself, that I can do things, I can try new adventures, my curiosity, my courage are undermined. Sometimes, I miss the days when I used to just go for a walk if I want to, and nobody would've asked me "why do you want to be alone?" . 
but for now,  I need to learn how to live with my parents. I love them.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

How do you listen?

      I am at that age where I ask myself so many questions, but you see, I can tell I'm not a kid anymore: I need to find out the answers by myself. I feel the urge of adventuring on new edges, discovering new things and solve some mysteries. 
      Today while driving and listening to the radio(STAR 99.1 -> you should start listening to it, great radio), Casting Crowns' song The voice of truth came on. I've heard it so many times, I already know it by heart. But, it just hit me when I heard "the voice of truth tells me a different story". How do you listen the Voice of Truth? How do you know that one is God's voice?... Lately, I've become such a bad listener, and while people are talking to me and explaining me all kind of important(or not) things, my mind starts wandering all over the place, in the end I realize I heard nothing, and say just something stupid like "really?are you serious?". (I can explain that, by the way.It's easy: I have a wedding to plan, decisions to make and life just scares the crack out of me). Going back from where I started, we all are so sure that God is listening us and He loves when we pray, and worship Him, but how would you feel if I'd come to you and I'd start dumping all my problems, my fears, my tears, everything at your feet and never ever think to listen what you have to say. You'd kick me out of the house. At least, that's what I'd do. How can we start listening to God's voice, how can we enjoy His presence, His hugs, His love notes left everywhere? Can we find the time to stay calm, to think only about Him, to stay tuned with the heavens, to crave for God's voice? Ok, I got it. I thought I got it: I started to read the Bible everyday. But guys, do you talk with your beloved ones only through notes or mails? If God is just one prayer away, how far (or how close) to God are we?... I will start to actually make time to have normal conversations with my Lord. I will learn how to stay quiet in His presence and LISTEN to what He has to say. I will. This is my need now. My real need.
 Sometimes, you learn some things later than you're suppose to. Better later than never.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Love is...

not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. (C. S. Lewis)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Getting to know myself.

In life there are some other things more important than life.
But whom do you love?...(this is just a rhetorical question I asked myself when I saw that picture).
          Since yesterday I had an interesting time, wandering through my own thoughts and alternatives.I wish I could had a map of my life.To know how to get somewhere.Somebody told me once that, if you go nowhere, you will certainly get there.First, I didn't get it, but now I kind of live it.How?Simple.Such a common question like "what do you want to do in your life?" can put me in such a difficult position.I don't know.Actually, I'm not sure.I feel I don't know myself well enough to find out what would I be the best at.And, ok, if I choose to go on this road, will I be able to handle it?I don't wanna end up working hard in some old factory or something, without being happy with what I do.I started that course on programming, and now I'm thinking maybe it should've been better if I'd taken some design classes.Maybe.Sometimes I feel useless, especially when I look at kids my ages and I see their determination and how they know EXACTLY what they wanna do with their lives, and they seem so confident.I feel like I'm a ship wreck.I wish I could ask someone for a guidance.I wish I could have somebody as an example.I wish I would be more certain about my ways.I know from the Bible my ways are pleasant(Proverbs 3:17-18 -> my special verses), but which one is my way in life?.Actually, where am I suppose to go to?How am I gonna get somewhere when I don't even know where I'm heading?!.
     I'm going back in my past and try to find the moment when I started to be so uncertain.When did I stop to defend myself.What made me be a shy person that can't stand up for herself.Is it my fault?It doesn't really care.I just want to be a lil bit different, but if I'd be different, I wouldn't be me anymore.Though, what makes me so special?I haven't had an easy life.It's not getting easier, either.To be a strong person is a must in my life, or at least this is how I see things.Life is tough, you need to face it and laugh at it.Don't give up, and get stronger and stronger each day.Yeah, that's just a small piece of my thinking.Then, why am I so sensitive?How's that possible?Is that normal?Sometimes I feel I take steps backwards instead of going forward.Sometimes I feel everybody else just keep me behind, that I should be much more further than I am.Sometimes...just sometimes.But all the time I feel I can do so much more, and there are so many interesting things I haven't done yet.
        Sometimes, I fear that I will start to count my days instead of making my days count.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


       I've been living in US for almost 2 years and I just discovered that here, the spring begins on March 21st.That's a funny one...In Romania, 1st March announce the Spring.The beginning of the Spring is symbolized by  "martisor", which, is formed out of two string wires: one red and one white.Of course, as time passed, boys found out this is a unique opportunity to get their crushes' attention, so nowadays, boys give to girls all kind of gifts, even just a flower, but with the red and white string on it.It's a special and very beautiful tradition, that reminds us all of the regenerative power of spring and the new life. I don't wanna wait another 21 days till Spring arrives here(officially), so, at this one, I'll stick with my romanian folks, and I can happily declare the first 2 days of Spring, were great!.I love Spring, it is so special, and the weather is just perfect, all the sweet flowers start to appear, trees get their leaves and stuff...The other day while driving on the highway I observed a flock of birds, and I felt like a Spring Fairy.Everything is magically awesome about this time of the year.I just love it.