Thursday, December 31, 2009

The end = a new beginning

                I've been thinking for the last week what do I want to do with my life?How am I going to manage it?I tried to make a list for year 2010.It just seemed impossible what to put first.I am 100% sure I will not be in the same situation next year.I'll work harder, study more, sleep less, but it will be different.Anyway, this  thing with next year is pretty exciting.A whole new year to start a new beginning, a chance to get things right and get rid of all what's unnecessary.New things to learn and more strength to become.
         What amazes me so much is how so just one day can make us organize our lives, put some more things on "to-do`s" list, have other expectations, and hopes that something will be different.This year I'm fascinated about how one second will throw us in next year.I'm happy I can say today "I'll do this next year!"...I guess I'm such a kid now, but you know, every now and then it's good to let the kid in you to come out and make your life better.Like every year before, I have my hopes about 2010."What is different, then?" you may ask.Well, the big difference is the faith that grows stronger and stronger each day, the peace everything will go the best way, the promises I have from God and the confidence I can do anything!With all these in my bag, I think I can face the countdown to 2010.
the song of the day

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go,

for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.

     Brooks Atkinson

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Christmas is here!:)

     I know this Christmas won't be my bestest Christmas ever, but I'm not that sad.In fact, there will be many more Christmases to enjoy and to be everything perfect, right?.Winter holidays are the most beautiful holidays of all, I think.And it is very important to spend them with the ones you love, and to have a warm, nice Christmas it is a MUST.Actually, everybody has his/her own dream about Christmas.So, I was thinking to share a lil bit of my fantasy with you guys.To be honest, I'm not sure how it would be my perfect Christmas, all I know is Eddie has to be in the picture too.Anything else it's just background.
     But hey, I have another brilliant idea:).I'll tell you about the most beautiful Christmas in my life till now.Of course, every Christmas has its own magic and that little things that make is special, so, one of the most beautiful Christmases in my life was three years ago, right before I met Eddie.Actually, around Christmas I've talked first time in my life with him.Now, this is the highlight of that Christmas, but back then, there was something different.Like every year, our small church, tried to do something to reach out people, to spread the Good News about Jesus.So, that year, we had the idea to have something like a show instead of going caroling like every other years.The end of November and the whole month of December till the big day, we practiced, and I was very very very busy, cause I was in the choir, and in the dance team + plus had to keep up with school.I was very tired, but I loved it, first because I didn't really have time to think about my life, what to do and where to go, just before that, one guy let me down pretty bad, I mean, it started right before I threw myself in all this craziness with the show, and it lasted till the day after Christmas.I won't tell you the story, I'll just say he hurt me really bad, so I was happy to be in all those activities, so I won't have to stay and cry myself to sleep every night.So, I was making something for God and for me.It was a win win situation, and I thought I was alright and I didn't need any help...till I talked for the first time with Eddie.He was cool, and good looking, ok, I admit it, he was hot, but I didn't have time to fall in love with him, besides, I wouldn't have let that happen again to myself.So, thru all that pain and tiredness, and stress, I was very happy in my heart cause I knew everything will be ok, and I was happy for Jesus, the precious gift I receive every year, and I focused on being thankful and helpful for those who needed me.The show went great, our carols were awesome, I didn't get tired of singing them, the dance was perfect(the only mistake was I took one boy's shirt and he took mine, so I looked like I had a dress and his shirt was too small for him-that was funny) the drama was excellent, and everything was awesome.I was happy and peaceful thru hard times, and I felt Jesus' love like never before, it was an awesome experience of my life.And of course, the most incredible gift I've got that year was meeting Eddie and after that, we fell in love and know the story(more or less).
   Now, after I wrote it, it doesn't seem so incredible and 'wow!!', but everybody knows how important it is to have somebody comfort you in trouble times, and after being heartbroken(especially before Christmas!!), to have wonderful holidays it was a miracle for me!And the more time passes, the more I realized how special was that Christmas for me, for my life.I know it won't be another Christmas like that one, and to be honest, I'm not sure I could handle another one, but I look forward for the Christmases-to-come, to discover its own magic.No matter how sad and negative could seem Christmas, there is always something special about it.If there isn't the gifts, or the persons you want to be with, there is Jesus' birth, and His power to transform the most depressing Christmas in the most miraculous Christmas ever.You just don't have to give up faith and don't stop believing.It happened to me, it happened to lots of people, it can happen to anybody.
    I know, it is amazing how can I write these words, but they are from the bottom of my heart, and before to be a support for you, it is for me.I've been told this past week, I always had the strength to lift myself up when I'm down, and this is what this post is about...helping others and first, helping me.
I know this Christmas will be awesome.

PS: I forgot to tell you about the wonderful snow we got here, I'm so excited about it, it feels like Christmas!:)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Because life happens

      How many times in your life have you asked God or yourself "Why?Why ME?"..And you keep asking the same question like a broken radio, and don't get any clues.I got tired of asking, so I just sit here quietly and I'm waiting...for worse and worse.I still have tons of questions, who would bother to answer them?I'm barely keeping my feet on the floor, trying to make one more step and I'm looking for somebody to help me, to carry me thru this.The only thing I'm feeling is the darkness around me, the disappointment coming in my way, laughing so evilly at my weakness.No, definitely is not an awesome image, especially not one you'd be fascinated.You know, I've always thought the tough moments in life makes its beauty, it gets harder and harder to say it, not even to believe it.The point is, the tough moments define us.And they help us to cherish the happy, great moments much more closer to their real worth.How much would anybody be able to loose in their life to gain happiness, or peace, or whatever their own dream is about?
        All your life you live with your decisions.Your choices will follow you around no matter how far you would go.This is the scariest part...can I make the right decision?How would I know if that one's the best?Does it worth it?And how will I find out what's the best, if I have just one shot, one chance to get it right?I'm not in a movie to get it straighten up till the 2 hours end, so if I screw up how am I gonna fix everything?Yep, you'll say I'm smart enough to figure out things.Well, I might be smart, but here's another question: will I be strong enough to make it?To take the best decision, to be happy with it no matter what?...
      Happiness is never too far away, as long as you know how to reach it...Am I gonna learn one day how to catch up with it?....
...and all those wanderings because while life happens.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Life as a dream?

               Life is a reality we live everyday, and it can get pretty tough.Things are not always going the way you want, especially when you wish really bad for something you need so much.Lately, most of the people I know have serious problems.It's like a perfect day of summer and suddenly, the sky is filled with heavy black clouds and the most horrifying thunderstorm is about to begin.And I'm on my own, praying, hoping, believing everything will be all right in the end.I stay in the dark, wishing for the sun to come out so I can go back to my little fun games in the sun.I know I can do it thru the storm, I have to, there's no other chance, but how long it will take?...Do I have to come to the point where I'll be in the most miserable point of my life before things could turn around a lil bit?.Why things can't be simple?
             I am here, all alone, with nobody to help but me.It's always been this way.But am I gonna be strong enough this time too?I need to, I have to..there are people out there counting on me.On my help, my presence, my love and my carrying hand.I know everything will be fine, I believe it, otherwise I won't make it thru this hopeless darkness.I come back again and again to one of my favorite quotes, "Life is hard, handle with prayer." and despite of all the deceptiveness, I still hope this Christmas will be magical.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I'm human, and I can't change it!

           Ok, so I failed.I failed at my post about freedom.Actually, I didn't have time enough to finish it.I'll try to post it as soon as possible.I know it's not mature, but I got a pretty good reason:).Tomorrow is Eddie's interview for visa.I was so ...anxious, excited, nervous, afraid, happy, calm, and full of energy, it is actually a cocktail of emotions, like in a carousel.No, this is not a good comparison...It is like somebody took all my emotions, threw them in a blender, put it on maximum speed and left it on.Maybe the same way the pawn feels in a game when somebody throw the dice and its fate will be chosen after that.I know, I can't be a pawn, and they can't feel, but ...It is not easy to stay away and look how other decide how your life's gonna be.Actually, it's not others, I gave this matter to God, and I know He'll do it perfect, I'm praying for it, and I know everything will be fine, but I'm human and I can't change it.I'm waiting for a verdict.I make it sound so sober, but don't forget, it's a serious matter for me!And I think anyone would be the same way(maybe worse than me) if they were in my situation.Today at work I was under so much pressure, even when not thinking about it, that couple of time almost fainted or lost control of my legs.I'm fine, don't worry...The emotions are so huge right now, but I'll be fine.I got my cup of hot tea and the prayer to calm me down.
         I know this Christmas will be magical...

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Winter wonderland

    I've been trying to put my feelings on the paper for the last couple of days, but my thoughts keep messing with me.It's like I'm tricking myself.Hard times..
    Today was snowing.It was magical...All that snow, the big snowflakes, the houses, the streets...I hope it'll snow more tomorrow.It makes Christmas seem a lot closer than it is.
    I need a vacation.From my life.You know, when you go somewhere to relax, and spend time with yourself.To recharge your batteries and to remember why you do love life so much.To set your priorities straight and to get your strength back.I had tumultuous days lately.Eddie has the interview for the visa this Wednesday.I feel like my happiness hangs on that day.On that man or woman, who will choose to give or not to give him the visa.I believe, I hope, for a "Yes", and I already am so excited, I started to make plans, but in the same time, a shadow of fear is there in my heart, and a lil bit of sadness, when the question "what if he doesn't get it?" pops up in my mind.Thankfully, I don't think too much about it.I don't even mention it in my mind.Though I need to stay realistic now more than ever, I can't.I find myself in the impossibility of making one right decision, and stressing about pointless things.Time is going fast, even though, the hours seem to be hundreds of years and a day is like an eternity.I want to sleep and just wake up on Wednesday.In the same time, I wish this day to come as slow as possible.It's one of those paradoxes in life you don't have to explain, you don't even try to understand them.I know it's hard to pray in the right way in moments like these, and I challenge myself every time.I pray that He will do the best thing for our lives, no matter what decisions will be made and how it'll be.I trust Him, and I am praying for wisdom to understand His plans, for faith to keep me going and for peace in every phase in my life.
        Life is hard, handle with prayer.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Vive la Roumanie!!!

Hello Romanians!..:)Today is Romanian National Day, and like you guys get pretty excited here on 4th of July, Romanians have their own unique specific style to celebrate their December 1st!..I am so proud of being Romanian, even though this is the 2nd year when I'm not home, I feel the excitement and the specialty of this day.
And now, the song of the day is Romanian Anthem.